Sunday, September 30, 2007 l
I've just completed my Bible study questions and i've got totally no mood to read a book, nor to sleep. So i am gonna write out wad happened.
Yesterday and this early morning was a very sad and emotional day for both Huimin and I. While at her house just now, we talked on the issue of us being together. From her phone call after she ended YP, i could sense that there was something wrong, from her tone of voice. Initially i thought that it was her mood, and her surroundings. NVM, i thought!!!
We met at Orchard Mrt, she was 30 plus mins late. I was initially agitated by waiting cos the environment there was just too noisy, buzzing with ppl all heading to town, leaving town, all the talking and chatting was making me go a little dizzy. I soon got back to my usual self the moment we reached Taka. Had some German food, and then walked around. We left town abt 9.30pm and we traveled to Sengkang.
It was at her house where everything finally spilled out. Earlier on she asked me whether i would prefer to be happy through the entire day and be told the sad news at the end of the day, or would i prefer to be sad from the very start of a brand new day. My response was the latter. At her house, we somehow started talking abt our relationship. She started by saying that Amanda Teo knew that i once had a GF and advised her not to get together with me. I was taken aback when i heard this statement. I was stunned. I felt this kinda dashing and sweeping statements should never be said by someone who barely knows me, and even if she did, it would only be from her own observations, and not by talking to me. So, i felt somewhat hurt.
Next came the more controversial part, Huimin felt that she felt herself to be a hypocrite, because i told her: " i think and feel that everyone in church is a just putting up a mask whenever they are in church. " She related herself to as one of these ppl, as she saw herself as not being a good testimony towards others and also to herself, cos of the relationship between the both of us. TEARS STARTED ROLLING OUT OF HER EYES!!!!!
I knew that we had a BIG situation on hand, and that we had to thrash it out. But still, i was numb, probably cos i was too taken aback by the suddenness of matters. At her house bus stop, we were both super silent, cos she told me that she wanted us to just be normal friends. That was the blow for me. I was still trying to recover form wad happened at her house, and then the second killer statement came directly at me. I was so stunned that i just responded, "oh okays". Deep down in me, i wanted it to continue, the word i use is {continue} not grow or develop. I wanted the relationship between us to remain the way it is, but yet we aren't officially together. Basically, like wad she said over the phone, i wanted to have the best of both worlds, which is entirely impossible. The Bible tells us that we can either be HOT or COLD, not luke warm. So yep! I knew i had to let go. Other matters also reassured my decision....such as her parents decision, what she heard from auntie Akiko, her Bible Study leader at YP, and probably wad Amanda told her.
When the last bus came, i got up, hugged her and parted. She sat back down on the bench, and i knew before the bus came, she would cry the moment i leave her body, after that hug. Just as much, she started tearing even before the bus entered the bus stop. I gave her a good-bye kiss, which came together with her tears, and boarded the bus. While on the bus, i did not look up at her because i was feeling to crappy on the inside. The moment i sat down, i started crying. I could not hold it back...tears and more tears just rolled down. It was only until the bus reached Hougang that i stopped tearing. I wanted to get off, and head back, but there was no freaking last bus back. F**K F**K F**K was screaming in my head!!!!! I thought deeply and intensely over things on the journey back home. I thought of what was to come after today, what will our feelings be like to one another, how would things go on, how would our lives be after this incident....etc. etc...
When i finally got back, i typed my earlier post, and went to shower. While in the shower, i punched the wall out of agony and then started crying. I just sat on the shower floor for like 5 mintes under freezing water. (this is probably the 2 time i had a more than 5 min bath). I thought of ways to for get this whole matter. In fact, i thought of getting two packs of Viceroy Menthol from Esso, while walking back home. Thankfully i didn't, cos i would be more unhealthy and 20 bucks poorer. Got out of the shower, opened my dairy which i started on Friday, wrote 4 sentences and gave up waiting till 3am to call Huimin. I told her at the bus stop that i would call at 3am, but the misery was just too much for me to wait another hour plus.
Called her, and we basically cried the whole matter out. There wasn't much elaboration though, we basically came to know that we had to do wad was right, and soon enough, i came to my senses that letting go was the right thing. Then at around 3am plus, the thought crossed my mind....we were never even officially together, and yet we are crying so much over this matter. All i had to do was to tell her that i wanted us to remain as friends!!! NOOOO, but the simple fact is, we had to say it out, if not, things would never see a change. It feels completely awkward and weird, cos on friday, we were all over each other, and the very next day, you want us to disperse and separate ourselves like we are some plant's seeds. I told her that i cannot guarantee her that we might not Kiss and Hug in the future, but what i could promise her is that i would always be there by her, for her. I promise myself that.
>HUIMIN, you have showed and given me the opportunity of experiencing so much more of your life. So much more than the 9 months spent with Nat. Your love, care and concern shown to me will be greatly treasured, and will be locked in my heart. You are really a blessing to me, it could and could not be from God, but i shall take it as from God. Come monday, i might feel that it would be the weirdest day of my life, cos everything would have changed, and everything would just be left behind, or swept under a carpet. That same Jerlynn would never be experienced by me anymore, because of this agreement on being just friends. Lamenting on it for weeks is fine, but its not gonna make a difference. I will try my best, together with God's help, mercy and grace, to MOVE AROUND, NOT GET OVER this situation. Love to me is a three letter word, and that is GOD. If there is no God in a relationship, i think that relationship is hopeless and it would crumble.
So as the days go by, i hope that you and i would grow spiritually and intellectually in the fear and nurture of the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY. GOD BLESS and i hope that we would never drift apart. Losing such a friend like you is really disheartening for me.
CYA AROUND SOMETIME SOON!!!!!
I don't care and I'm not okay
5:19:00 AM
