I am EMO
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do I look like I care?
NO

IMEEM rocks

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Another day which starts with me feeling ANGRY, but after this post, i should have most probably cooled down. WHY AM I ANGRY???

I went to J-Zee's house last night at around 8plus, to hang out, and eventually stay over to play Mahjong till the next morning with a couple of frens from the ZEE Organisation. I was there the earliest as HM had CYA and WD was in town doing his photography stuff, so they could not make it earlier. HM came over after her CYA which was about 11plus, and WD met the 3 of us at Simpang Bedok, where we went for supper. When HM came, the 3 of us started playing a couple of card games, and soon headed out to Simpang Bedok to meet WD and have our supper. Supper was great, though the service sucked and HM was rather pissed at the fact that i chose to sit at the smoking area, thinking that there would be less people smoking, based on past experience with Teck Wee, there weren't as many ppl smoking as this morning at about 1 plus. So basically, she was covering her nose as if it was going to sprint away anytime soon, or she was fanning herself with fresh air, to prevent herself from choking from the cigarette smoke. After supper, we walked backed and along the way back to JJ house, we saw a terror dog, it had a chocker chain on it, together with a metal muffler over his mouth. I think it was a Pit Bull, a really fierce one, cos it growled at us and stopped to look at us as we passed it. Thank goodness it was being walked by his master, if not we would have all been injured by IT!

When we went back to JJ's house, HM gave WD her Psycho video and immediately WD got down to editing the video, he was really helpful and kind in helping her edit her video which is due when sch starts, despite his fatigue and tiredness, he continued to do the editing. Initially i thought that everything would be over by 4am, and we could like proceed with our initial plan of playing mahjong, but the editing did not end till 7am. I some how or rather fell asleep and was soon awaken by the irritating sounds coming from the replays of the video editing, and when i woke up and found out that he still had a long way to go, i was starting to get mad, but i somehow knew i could not show it or let my anger out on anyone there, cos i knew that the editing was necessary, if not HM would be in trouble when sch starts as that would be the deadline, and she most probably would get a bad grade, which is something not anyone wants in poly, so i just kept quiet, until a point i could not take it anymore, plus the constant irritating noise, i just typed out a message, and saved it in my phone and asked HM to view it.

I said: " I am angry cos we did not even do anything except edit your video. "

Her reply was: " Yes i know your pissed. But weidong is too busy and i think its like e only time he can make it. And we can't really play without him. And aiya. I don't know."

From her reply, i felt as if she wanted to say something but could not and probably did not know what to say or do to make me feel better in anyway, so from that moment onwards, i was feeling both emo and angry. When all the editing was over, i wanted to stay till 10 plus with JJ and play Playstation 2, cos that was what we both talked about on the phone, but the rest wanted to leave, all had plans during the later part of the day, except for james, who is meeting his SAS grp in sch at 3.30pm-4pm for meeting. WD had an interview at The Candy Empire, and HM had to go meet Kaixuan for project and later go out with her together with Siqi or something like that. Initially i thought that HM was not intending to go out with Kaixuan cos i heard her wanting to tell KX that she was tired and probably wanted to go home and rest, and when i heard that, i felt very disappointed with her, cos she eagerly and enthusiastically agreed with kaixuan that she would go out with her to get Don's present and probably have a all girls outing. Well, whether or not she is still meeting up with KX and going out with her after project meeting, i am not really bothered cos of the simple fact, I AM STILL PISSED!

I saw her off at Tanah Merah Mrt and she seemed a little moody, so i told her not to worry about me as i did not expect her to do anything about the situation. She soon text me: " You are mad. I'm not in a very happy mood either."
I continued the conversation and soon found out that she was moody cos she did not really know what i wanted from her and all the stuff of WD helping her, etc etc etc....!!!! If she was an ordinary friend, i think i would have nagged continuously at the simple fact that all this can editing could have been done earlier, but i did not react that way, cos i knew it was going to make matters worse for everyone. Like i told her, i did not expect anything from her, but if she could like said a sorry, or i will make it up to you would at least make me feel less angry and disappointed at that present moment. But i heard nothing except her laugh and a few orhs'. On the journey back home, i knew she was feeling rather sad and depressed cos she probably felt that i had accused her of something she could not really do to make things better, maybe a little, but i honestly think and feel that she should just take me as being petty and forget matters, but this girl is different. She knows that there is always a hidden agenda and motive behind every question i ask. Well, i think that there is always a lesson to learn, and for me i learn most when i am emo, so i think there is a great lesson for me to learn.

LESSON LEARNT: NEVER EXPECT ANYTHING IN ANY GIVEN SCENARIO OR SITUATION, COS WHEN YOU RECEIVE SOMETHING UNEXPECTED, YOU FEEL A SENSE OF GLADNESS AND AFFECTION FROM THE PERSON.















BTW, one true reason why i asked you whether you could remember what you wanted to get for me from Junction 8 was partly to test your memory, but more rather to see whether you are a person who is responsive to hint and clues.
Today has been a very tiring day for me. I slept rather late on Sunday morning cos i was talking about our relationship without God as our centre and the very basis for both of us work upon, and after doing some reflection last night, i did realised that the both of us have been neglecting God a lot, and we've gotta do something to get right with God, firstly by obeying his commandments and reading His word!

This morning, i was blowing my nose away as it was filled with all the filth and bacteria, and i barely could concentrate during worship. I waited over an hour for my sister vanessa, who was having some long meeting and i was there starving. Why i had to wait for her is because she completely lost all her voice and i had to help her order her food, i had to be her voice for today.

Christmas special was really nice, and it was really funny and corny with all the jokes and stuff, although i must say the choice of song is great too. I was just wondering whether Huimin was the one who initiated on the song from Corrine May, cos if she did, then i feel honoured to have introduced that song to her.

Frissbee game at Sengkang was really fun, but tiring, my team was not taking full advantage of the many turnovers and to add on to that, the pitch was muddy and at certain areas on the pitch, it was like a marsh, as the mud level was up till my ankles, making it super difficult to do short burst! I did come close to scoring at least 3 points, but i just missed cos i either was too slow or i mis-read the disc. Well, at the end of the day, i only managed to catch 1 point, which i felt very very tired after it, cos out team was really playing like crap that point of time. So i was really relieved when i scored that point cos i knew i could rest for at least 3 point or so. I was also very happy and relieved when i saw my DEAR turn up to watch me play, she even bought my H2O and water for me to hydrate myself, and she even got food from old chang kee, but i was too tired to eat and i knew i would have puked if i ate anything cos i was gonna be running like mad. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING DOWN, IT WAS REALLY ENCOURAGING FOR ME!! =D

I did a few dives during the match and i was really pissed that i could not make the catch, but my team was very encouraging and cheered me on, but i knew i was really letting my team down, but that did not discourage me. After a 5 point rest, i was all ready to play and get more statistics on the score sheet, as everyone else was doing so, but i was unable to play much as they team captain wanted to play a good line up to ensure a stable lead ahead of the opponent. So a few of us were put on the side to give way for the better ones and i totally respect that decision as the team managed to get a 5 point lead. GREAT JOB HUCK THE HERALD!! Hope i would be able to play better the next league game, which would be next year!!!
On the last day of OTC, the GL's and the sub comm ppl went to the Macs near the CPF building at Tampines, and we all hanged out, and had our dinner. It was really cool, a whole bunch of TP ppl sitting in circles, cheering, playing games and having lost of fun. While eating at Macs, my ex called me and Wei Dong played a prank on her by picking up the call and acted like a voice receiver, and then hanged up immediately. After my meal, i called her back and found out that she wanted me to go her place to collect my belated birthday present, and she even offered to pay for my cad down. So i reluctantly left the whole group and took a cab to her place after sending Huimin off. We talked at her void deck and she soon needed to use the toilet, i initially wanted to leave at that point of time, but i felt rather bad, cos i just arrived for like only 30 mins. So i went up to her house, and sat at her study area, but it was really weird to converse with one another as her father was in the living room watching television, so we moved into her room. We basically talked about each other's life and how things have been going, and i found out that she was still single, which was a shock to me as i thought that she had already moved on in life and relationships. Never did i know that she was being more cautious of guys as she did not wanna be left by the next guy she gets together with. Well, i told her the sole reason why i broke up with her is that she was not a christian and that it was against my own religion to get together with a non believer. So once that was out, i continued to tell her other things like her character and stuff. Questions about how we felt after the break up, how we saw and viewed things after that situation, whether we had thoughts of moving on in our relationship lives. I was feeling emo after we talked, and i decided to go home. I called huimin while i was in the cab, but there was no response, i figured that she must be really tired, so she is probably asleep.

The following day, i woke up feeling naturally emo, and i did not do anything much throughout the whole day. I chose to meet up with the rest of the few ZEE family who were out in town, hoping that my emo feeling would disappear after meeting them, but it did not. When i met huimin, she did not even comfort me or ask me anything. I was waiting for her to ask something related to what happened to me last night, but i heard nothing. Instead, all i saw was her having fun with Siqi, Kaixuan and Amanda. I was really shocked but after awhile, the sense of numbness settled in and i was just trying to keep myself together, not wanting nor expecting much. When we were at Hereen eating Wanton noodles, i was staring at her, making glances at her which some what showed that i was pissed and unhappy over things, whether or not she got the same feeling, i dun know, but i was really feeling terrible inside. Thank goodness the noodles was great, if not it wouldn't had made me feel better. I was considering of going home after the meal, but instead i chose to stay, as i approached huimin and asked her whether or not if i was right that she is not talking to me cos she did not know what to say to me to make me feel a little better or at least put a smile to my face, and i was right. So i decided to stay and accompany JJ to Cineleisure to get his shoes, hoping against all odds she would at least ask me; "You feeling better or not? wanna talk things or something?" But none of this was mentioned throughout the period while we were in cineleisure, so i decided to part ways after JJ left and i crossed over to wait for my bus. While waiting, she popped up gave me a hug, i was initially reluctant to hug her, but i knew it would had embarrassed her in public, so i half heartedly hugged her. I was sure she could feel and sense through the hug what i was feeling, or at least know a little bit of my emotions.

On the journey back, Natalie called me and asked me stuff, we talked till i reached home. She continued asking more questions on our relationship which i felt was rather redundant but i still chose to answer her cos i thought that if i wanted things to be clarified on my part, she also has the right to do likewise. So we talked till 11pm, and i was about to go to bed, i was playing midnight pool on my mobile when Huimin called. She wanted to talk things out, so i agreed. She was later on in tears, which i felt rather guilty for later cos of me and one situation, i caused my baby girl to cry one more. We later straightened things out and we both realised that there was a grave misunderstanding on the phrase " the past" and i clarified things through with her. More tears and soon after that we were back to our normal selves. By the end of our conversation, i was not mad nor angry with her anymore, but i just sincerly hoped that she can try to understand me better and i also hope that she can openly speak her mind out whenever things or situations arise.
On Saturday, i went to town to get Huimin her present for the "ZEE" organisation's Christmas exchange thingy. I reached town at 8pm, and i basically did not know what to get her and where to get it from, cause i am not a person who likes shopping for things, let along presents for girls, and in this scenario, my baby girl. Well, i walked the whole of Cineleisure and Hereen, and soon managed to find something which caught my eyes, but i did not know whether she is gonna like it, but i still got it cos its the thought that counts. I kinda like the message behind it, which was why i bought it. I went home tired and was feeling rather restless, but i knew i could not rest early, cos i needed to pack for OTC camp which starts on the 16th, Sunday evening. I would not have the time to return from church on Sunday afternoon to pack my bags cos i had a frisbee competition from 2-5pm the following day, at Sengkang, so i stayed up all night to pack my bag, and i did not sleep till 4am plus. I woke up 3 hours later and went for morning worship. BOY OH BOY, i was so sleepy as if i had drank an entire bottle of cough syrup. I was struggling to stay awake during the open session in Sunday School, but thankfully i managed to stay awake to hear the wonderful and impacting message. After which, i got a ride from Toke man's parents to Sengkang, i did not know that he and his sister had taken part in the Winter League too. I was rather shocked, especially for him, but its great. The more familiar faces the better!!! I was feeling super nervous when i reached the pitch, seeing all the pros geared up and throwing discs' like so smoothly and so far, i was kinda feeling like a noob. I was really a "noob" cos i did not know what was offence and defence, horizontal and vertical game play, i did not know what they meant when they said "the force is on home/away", so i was basically lost and did not know what to do. My very first game, i totally did not man-mark my assigned player, and let him run lose, causing the opposing team to score. But i managed to grasp fast enough to come back from the 7th point onwards. I managed to play slightly better with many coaching and many instructions shouted by my captain and my brother. I am really honoured to have a bro who is experienced in ultimate and who is respected by many people in the frisbee society. THANKS BRO!!!

After my frisbee game, i rushed home together in my dad's car to wash up, change and pack and then rushed straight to TP, for OTC camp. I managed to make in time, and from then on, i was constantly making friends. At night, a few of us sneaked out to watch the Liverpool vs Man United soccer match, but i was greatly disappointed with my team for losing. Five of us shared a bottle of Heineken beer, seemed really like underaged teenagers drinking, but it was cause i did not wanna drink too much, and so did the rest, so we told the auntie just 1 bottle for the time-being but we later did not order anymore cos we were rather full. That night, i slept rather late, say about 4am plus. The whole group of us were up talking and chilling, playing pool, and i talked to Cherlie about her ex and the problems she was currently encountering. That night we slept outside TPSU, and it was freaking freezing cold, i woke up at 5am freezing and shivering. Farhan from Main comm, woke up freezing too, and he threw his sleeping bag over Zhi Hui, cherlie and me, cos he knew we were cold and also partly he was feeling cold too, thus he gave us his sleeping bag and went inside to the main comm's room to sleep. Very thoughtful and kind of him to do such an act.

Day 1 of OTC finally arrived, and i was first on the list as Food IC for dinner. It was an opportunity for me to explore new grounds, and i think i did rather alright, except for the fact that i need to be more quick in my decision makings, as Yuting, the FOOD/MIN sub comm incharge, pointed out to me. Apart from that, there was some disputed going on between me and Marilyn, a girl who thinks that she has more experience and is more knowledgeable as a yr 3 student. She was basically trying to run and handle things as i was the food i/c for dinner during day 1. I was super pissed and wanted to shout at her, but those actions would only make me look as if i cannot handle with the work load and pressure, and unable to handle situations properly and efficiently. Thankfully there are also people within food/min who have disputes against marilyn. Over all, i really enjoyed OTC, the mass dances and the embarassing cheers. Well, apart from the many new frens i had made, i am happy to bring home many essential lessons and skills from observing the main comm ppl.

OTC WAS GREAT!!!!
On the 8th of December, i made a very special girl feel so sad and disappointed till she burst out buckets of tears, and eventually changed her mood. I started smoking once again. Out of feeling stress, i bought a pack while mugging for the mid-semester tests. I felt guilty keeping things from her, so i confessed to her, and told her the whole truth. That was when everything started changing, i knew that inside her she was feeling like so down that she did not have any mood to study for her mid-semester papers. I could sense the emotions she was having when i called her back at around 12plus, and i noticed a change in her tone of voice, so i knew that feeling different. We talked about the issue and we both came to an agreement that we would not talk to each other for 4 days, which was the number of sticks i had on that very day. We both followed on the various agreements, but we started talking to each other on tuesday onwards. She was sorry for being too harsh on me, as she felt that the "punishment" was too much for me, but i was feeling much more sorry for letting my baby girl down, i wanted to meet up with, just to be next to her would make me feel much better. I can say that this situation caused both of us to lose focus on our mid-semester tests preparations, especially for me cause i had 6 papers within a week. Well, i am glad that everything has been worked out, and all things have been resolved.
School has been boring this whole week, and the mid-semester exams are drawing closer, and i have French test tmr. Stress Bodoh!!! Anyways, i found out yesterday that JJ is liking a girl.....TSK!!! Cannot believe he did not even tell me la, his mistress!! So disappointed la!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

I am super stress, totally dun understand shit on Accounting, SAS, DBIS, EBM, and the various tests are next week FREAK!!!!! I dunno whether i would give in to my weak spot when the exams draw near, i just hope not! Once exams are over, i've gotta rush all my assignments and projects!!! Just looking forward to our class BBQ after the exams are all over, if everything goes fine, and if we manage to book and get cash for the bbq, i would be super surprised, cos i dun see our class attending the bbq as a whole. Just hoping everyone goes for this last event before we all split up next semester into different classes. Well, i am gonna study for french now.

Au revoir!!! :))
Major event!!!!! 29th November!!! Jerlynn's birthday, and also the very day that we both got together, as in attached. I seeked her hand and she agreed, well, although i was weary and bothered after our commitment, i strongly feel and think that with or without the status of being together, the continuous love and bonding with one another would never leave our relationship. You can say that me asking her to by my gf would be just for status, more than true love, because we've already passed that stage in our 3 month plus relationship. So, status was not really a issue, but i still went ahead to ask her because i wanted her to know that i cherished and had affections and feelings towards her, and that i was not fooling around, treating her as a replacement from my previous break up. I wanted her to know that i was serious and ready to commit if she ever wanted to move on in this relationship.

So dear, don't feel pressure, and dun feel that you have to give in more than me in this relationship. We both have our commitments and constraints, so i would rather take things slowly rather than rushing matters and causing it to turn sour so quickly. First and for most, God should always come first in our lives and in our relationship. It tough for you, its even tougher for me, but i am trying my best and giving my all. We all have to play our part and our roles in our lives, and God would move and shape us to living vessels. Hope that this clarifies all doubts of our status-co. problem.